Facebook’s reportedly changing its name — and we have some suggestions

Word on the grapevine is that social media nightmare platform Facebook is planning on changing its name.

This mighty rebrand, according to The Verge, is happening for one reason: the metaverse. In more real terms, the Zuck wants to position Facebook as more than a social media company.

On the information we have, it seems this move is like Google reorganizing under the Alphabet name. That means it’s unlikely the Facebook app itself will receive a name change, instead there’ll be an umbrella business that all the company’s separate units sit under.

In other words, when you start up WhatsApp, it won’t say “By Facebook” anywhere. There’ll be a new moniker in its place

Looked at from this perspective, the rebranding makes sense. The company has been pumping huge amounts of resources into its upcoming AR products and THE ZUCKMAN has been clear about his goals of building the metaverse.

On the other hand… this stinks of nefarious PR.

It’s no secret that Facebook is a fucking hateful mess. Whether it’s the recent whistleblower fiasco, ignoring teen safety on Instagram, the Cambridge Analytica scandal, or dozens of other things, the company has a trash reputation.

That’s fitting because, of course, it’s a trash company.

This potential rebrand wants to counter that fact. The change is an attempt to dissociate the toxic Facebook name from things like Oculus, WhatsApp, and Instagram — as well as other businesses the company is planning on running.

Despite all this — and because I’m a Great Guy™ — I’ve decided to help Facebook and Zuckerberg out. So, totally free of charge, here are some ideas for a fresh brand…

Potential new names for Facebook

• ZuckVerse: Simple and to the point. Bonus points for sounding like the SuckVerse.
• Koobecaf: If The Simpsons did it, Facebook can.

• Nothing Suspicious Going On Here: An easy way to divert attention. Who could ever suspect a company with a name like this?
• Gooogle: What’s the best way of stopping people getting angry at Facebook? Get them angry at Google instead. Add an extra “o” or two to the name to stop any potential lawsuits.
•  : Expanding upon the idea above, how about Facebook changes its name to a single space, ” ” if you will. Try and @ them on Twitter now.
• God: If Zuck chooses this name, every time there’s a scandal he can simply wink and say “we move in mysterious ways.” That’s 5D chess.

Man, with suggestions like this, I really should be on Facebook’s payroll. Sorry, I mean Nothing Suspicious Going On Here’s payroll. Guy’s gotta eat, y’know.